​Panel discussion at Fictional Badass Association annual convention 2014 
Place: Emotion in Motion Convention Center, Noble and Sylvre room
Date: September 5, 2014      
Time: After several cups of coffee
Panel members: Luki, Brian, Todd, Forge
Discussion topic: Badass methods for keeping one’s other half in line and out of trouble
Moderator: Frodo Baggins
 
Welcome by Frodo Baggins 
“Hello. Hm-hm. Your attention, please. Can you all hear me  out there?”
 
A murmur rises up out in the audience, as people begin to argue among themselves as to whether or not anyone is truly standing at the podium.
 
Sonny James comes forward from the back of the hall, steps up next to Frodo, puts his hands on his hips, and raises his eyebrows. The audience quiets, and gives him their full attention. Blair also comes forward (very, very quickly), hops down and fetches a chair, then lifts Frodo onto it. The hobbit can now be seen, and Sonny and Blair return to their places as he continues.
 
“I want to welcome all of you to this panel discussion. I was happy to be selected—(Frodo breaks off to make noises in his throat and foam at the mouth. Luki hands him his pristine white hanky. Frodo continues.) Please excuse me. I didn’t know that the eye of Sauron would be here tonight—took me by surprise. Wasting no more time, allow me to present the esteemed fictional badasses on the panel tonight. I’ll let them each introduce themselves, because frankly I know nothing at all about them.”
 
Todd: “Good afternoon and thank you for welcoming me back for a second convention. It’s quite an honor. Let me introduce myself. I’m Todd Ruger, a Sentry. I protect the innocent against supernatural—and sometimes natural—threats. My mate, Nick, and I specialize in shifters. Though, we have encountered other paranormal entities. Where we come from Nick was bred to be a slave and has been trained since childhood to assist me.”
 
Forge: “I’m a vampire. *points thumb at Todd* What he hunts.
 
 
Luki Vasquez and Brian Harrison, the remaining panel members actually begin to whisper to each other. After nodding in agreement, they both get up from their seats, and stand behind Forge—who’s fangs are beginning to show, and Todd—who’s nostrils have flared as he stares in Forge’s direction. Luki and Brian seem to have made their point, but it’s not clear if that’s because the shoulder holsters are showing. After a tense moment, Forge moves to the  seat farthest from the middle. Luki and Brian sit in the two seats between them, and Forge continues.
 
“I’m also a homicide detective. Detective Jonas Forge. This is my first time in attendance, but I’m also very honored to be asked. Vampires have soul mates, mine is Blair Turner.”
 
Blair (pipes up from the back): “PhD!”
 
Forge (hurriedly): “Uh, yes, Dr. Blair Turner.”
 
Nick clears his throat (quite loudly).
 
Todd (quickly speaks up)” “In our world slaves aren’t permitted to be awarded degrees, but Nick has been educated as a veterinarian and medical doctor as well as a Sentry.”
 
When neither Blair or Nick drop any more hints, the other panel members all look at Luki.
 
Luki: “I’m Luki Vasquez. I became a member of the FBA after a wonderful man, Sonny James, found himself loving me in our first book. I am a former federal agent now in the business of security, a martial arts and firearms expert. Some true but less fortunate facts about me, I throw up when other people get hurt, and I tend to get shot a lot, though they are usually flesh wounds.
 
Sonny (shouts from the back): “Flesh wounds are still bad!”
 
Luki rolls his eyes and gestures to Brian.
 
Brian: “My turn, I guess, I’m pretty much  just a regular guy.”
 
Jackie (shouts from the hecklers’ line-up): “Nothing regular about you, Sir!”
 
Brian turns an interesting shade that can’t quite be called red, but continues without stumbling over his words.
 
Brian: “Uh, I’m in pretty good shape, have some hand-to-hand combat skills and handle a firearm fairly well. I’ve been lucky enough to have done, at this point in my fictional life, a couple of stints with the Murder Investigation Unit of the London Metropolitan Police—”
 
Jackie (interrupts again): “Pay attention folks—that’s Scotland Yard! Best in the world!”
 
Brian (turns and speaks to Jackie): “Devil boy. You know that conversation we haven’t had about punishment? We’ll be having it tonight!”
 
Jackie (tosses his beautiful dark-fire hair): “Oooo! Thank you, Sir.”
 
Brian (shakes his head, and says into the mic): “That didn’t work for shit, did it? Anyway, I’ve also been very fortunate to do a couple of stints as an employee of Vasquez Security. No better place for an agent to get schooled in the business. And, as you might have guessed, Jackie is my sub, my lover, my boyfriend, my everything, and I truly hope he’ll be my future, too. I don’t know where I’d be without devil boy, these days.”
 
Frodo now begins to read out the questions:
 
How important is it to make sure your chosen one has enough to do, meaning appropriate activities that will keep them busy, especially in your absence, and why?
 
Forge: Well, Blair has a job. That keeps him plenty busy.
 
Blair from the back of the hall: And it’s not washing your car. I teach computer sciences at a university in Flint, Ohio. Since the big guy here can’t live without me, and gets into trouble all on his own I have to watch him every minute.
 
Todd: Nick runs our farm, when we’re home. He cares for the community’s livestock as well.
 
Nick shouts out: Todd needs me. We’re partners and we work together. Besides someone has to watch his back when his snark gets him in trouble.
 
Luki: “You’re kidding right, Frodo?”
 
Sonny, in a stage whisper: “Husband, I’m mentally cutting my toenails right now.”
 
Luki just bites his bottom lip, but Frodo appears confused. “What does he mean, Luki”
 
Luki: “Frodo, one of the first things I learned about Sonny is never to get in the way if his hands are on his hips. One of the next things I learned is that when he cuts his toenails it means he wants to... um... get frisky.”
 
Sonny: “No, baby, it means I want to fu—”
 
Frodo: What about you, Brian?
 
Brian: “How do I keep Jackie busy? Hell, the biggest hurdle in our relationship is that we’re both so busy sometimes we don’t see each other for a week.”
 
Jackie: “But whenever we are together, Brian shows me his rope tricks. (Jackie laughs, and Sonny giggles, which makes all the badasses in the house smile,)
 
How do you assure that your other half complies with your proscribed activities?
 
Nick: *Barks a laugh* Todd’s chin drops to his chest while the others turn around and look at Nick.
 
Blair: “Complies with—? He wishes.”
 
Todd: “I trust Nick completely.”
 
Nick: “Good answer.”
 
Forge: I am of course compelled by the vampire code to defend and…
 
Blair: Dude, there is no vampire code. *turns to audience* There is no vampire code. (Turns back to Forge.) You like to flash your pointy teeth and flex your muscles.
 
Forge: *shrugs* He loves it. Especially the teeth…and the muscles.
 
Blair (somewhat subdued): Yeah, I do.
 
Luki: I have no idea how to answer that. I'm not even sure what such a question means.
 
Sonny: Of course you do, honey. No really big words in there.
 
Luki: Damn, Sonny. I went to college!
 
When once again silence falls and Luki looks very stubborn, Frodo moves on to the next question:
 
Occasionally, even the best men get cranky. When your sweetie is having a bad day, what do you do?
 
Todd: “Blueberry pie. Nick’s a sucker for blueberry pie and a…ah…rub down.” *Glances back at Nick and winks*
 
Nick: *silly grin* “Yeah.”
 
Forge: “Well, Blair does enjoy shaving.”
 
Blair: “Forge is wicked good with a razor.”
 
Luki: “Honestly, Sonny doesn’t really get cranky. He goes from ‘everything is beautiful’ to ‘I’m going to kill you in your sleep, Luki Vasquez,’ in less than a second flat.
 
Sonny: “Shut up! I have never threatened your life.”
 
Luki: “Yet.”
 
Brian: I have a tried and true formula, one question and a five word statement.
 
Frodo, looking curious: “This spell, or whatever it is, works every time?”
 
Brian: “Sure. Jackie, shall we demonstrate?”
Jackie laughs and nods.
 
Brian (stands and looks at Jackie): “Safewords?”
 
Jackie: “Red and yellow.”
 
Brian: “Use them anytime, starting now.”
 
Jackie: “Yes sir.”
 
Frodo: “Wow, impressive.” He clears his throat, and asks the next question.
 
Do you ever let your honey play with weapons? Why or why not? Give examples if available.
 
Forge: “We’re vampires, got all the weapons I need right here. *Points to fangs* And as for playing with them, hell yes!”
 
Blair: “Only real men use their fangs for love.”
 
Todd: “Nick has knives. I wouldn’t suggest trying to take them away from him. And as for letting him use them? I’ll just quit while I’m ahead.”
 
Nick: “He loves our private times and hates sleeping alone.”
 
Luki: “No. No, no, and no. I mean, I’ve taught him how to use a gun, but only once have I made the mistake of putting a gun in his hand. A little Beretta, but he was so wrapped up in wanting to kill a certain disgusting individual—”
 
Sonny: “You can’t pretend the world wouldn’t have been better off without him.”
 
Luki: “That’s true, baby. He’s dead now and the world is better off. But if you would have killed him then, I would have lost you. That’s what scared me. You are the most beautiful man that ever walked the planet.
 
Sonny (smiling): “And?”
 
Luki (actually smiling, too): “And I love you.”
 
Frodo signals to Brian.
 
Brian: “We live in the UK. I’m a cop and I don’t even get to play with my guns. Or leastways I can’t work with them.”
 
Jackie: “But my uncle, Luki, taught me to handle guns. I don’t need permission for that.”
 
 
Frodo says, “Uh, this next question, um...” He loosens his collar and blushes.
 
If you had to choose between following your lover or following Gollum and sending your lover away, what would you do? Please explain.
 
Todd: “I’d send him away. I couldn’t have him in such danger.”
 
Nick: “Translation, he needs someone to bail his ass out.”
 
Blair: “Ditto.”
 
Forge: *Shrugs*
 
Luki: “You do realize, Frodo, that Gollum is uglier than sin, and if I was to, say, climb up a big rocky slope behind him I’d have to look at his bony ass the whole way, right?”
 
Sonny: “Samwise is a whole lot cuter!”
 
Jackie: “Yeah, Sam is kinda hot. Buff too!”
 
Brian: “I simply can’t answer that question. Anyone that would follow Gollum and send his lover away is crazy... Present company excluded, of course, Frodo.”
 
Frodo foams at the mouth and makes grunty/moany sounds again, clutching his shoulder.
 
Samwise has been sitting quietly in the audience behind some tall Klingons with broad foreheads. Now he stands on his chair. “Hang on, Mr. Frodo. Don’t you give up. I’m not going to leave you! ‘Don’t you lose him, Samwise Gamgee,’ That’s what Gandalf said, and I don’t mean to.”
 
Frodo has stopped choking and foaming. He says, “Sam, calm down. The ring has long since melted in Mount Doom. I’ve just got  touch of rheumatism. You’re over-reacting.”
 
If you ever followed Gollum into a dark tunnel leading to Mordor and he disappeared, would you keep going? How would you handle a monstrous, venomous spider, if you were to encounter one in that tunnel? (Please indicate weapon(s) of choice and strategy.)
 
Todd: “I’m not sure I’d follow. As for the spider, fire kills everything. Surround it with fire and…”

*Knife comes from behind and embeds in the table in front of Todd.*
 
Todd: “Nick is more accurate throwing a knife than most people are shooting a gun.”
 
Forge: Bares fangs and growls: “There is very little that is faster than a vampire.”
 
Blair and Nick burst out laughing. Nick elbows Blair and says, “I see what you mean.”

Luki: “Well, I can say this much. It wouldn’t be a little vial of light some blonde lady gave me.”
 
Brian: “Truth!”
 
Assuming you survived Gollum and his tunnel, you would likely want to secure your darling’s forgiveness and understanding. How would you go about making up?
 
Blair butts in before anyone on the panel has a chance to answer: Shaving cream, a razor, after some serious groveling and probably an evening at that special place we like to go.
 
Forge: “I’ll get right on that.”
 
Blair: “Alright then.”
 
Todd: “Nicky would hurt me if I didn’t survive.”
 
Nick: “It’s true. I’d hurt him…a lot.”
 
Brian: “I’d start by saying I was sorry, then I’d ask him for his safewords.”
 
Jackie’s smile is bright enough to be a flood light.
 
Luki: “I’d buy him shortbread cookies.”
 
Sonny: “Not nearly enough, husband.”
 
Luki: “And Rocky Road ice cream?”
 
Sonny: “Still not enough, honey.”
 
Luki: “Okay. I’d let him top.”
 
Sonny: “Well... we can talk about it, I suppose...”
 

Hello! Today I'm joined by...okay that's not entirely accurate. Todd and Nick Ruger are guest hosting (shanghied) my blog right now. Their special, and very unexpected guests are Sonny James and Luki Vasquez, Lou came along for the ride.

Hi, I’m Lou Sylvre and the reason I’m whispering is because the back seat of  Sonny James Mustang is not very far from Luki’s ears, and Luki is sleeping. Not on purpose—I think he’s hypnotized by the monotony of the road. Either that or he’s deliberately snoozing because Sonny is humming while he drives, and he hums very badly. 

Very, very badly. 

When Luki is awake he tends to silence me with a piercing look from his cold blue eyes if I speak, so this is an opportunity to catch you up on the road trip. We’ve been on the road for most of the past twelve hours (with a couple of breaks), heading west on I-90. We left Portsmouth, New Hampshire this morning, and we’re heading for Ohio to visit with Elizabeth Noble. It was Luki’s idea. He knows Elizabeth’s character Todd Ruger—they chatted some at the Fictional Badass Association meeting last May. They didn’t exactly click, but they did agree Frodo shouldn’t have been the keynote speaker. Anyway, Luki thought it would be nice, since we’re on the Saving Sonny James Road Trip Blog Tour to stop in and see Elizabeth, and she said we’d be welcome—my thanks to her for letting us visit.

We’re just about ready to cross into Ohio now, so it won’t be long...

Oh my god! What just happened? I… I can’t really see for all the dust in the air. There was a huge noise. Oh no… Luki! Sonny! Where are you? Where am I? Where’s the Mustang?

“Be quiet,” Luki’s voice comes to me, and then I see him standing there, combing the dust out of his curls with his fingers. “Sonny,” he calls out, then trots over to a figure hunched on the ground. “Baby! Can you hear me? Are you okay? Can you stand up?”

“Calm down, husband.” Sonny’s voice does sound oddly calm in this—what? I can’t even guess what has happened. He stands up. “I’m fine, of course.”

“Why were you on the ground?”

“Dropping and covering, as I was taught to do in the event of nuclear attack.” Sonny dusts off Luki’s shoulders.

Luki brushes away Sonny’s hand, which is an event in itself. “Well, sweetie,” he says, a tone of annoyed sarcasm in the words, “if that was a nuclear attack I think it was a dud. But I wonder where we are?”

Sonny looks around, sees me. “Ms. Sylvre, you’re okay?”

“Yes, although—”

“A simple yes or no is plenty,” Luki interjects.

“Honey?” Sonny is walking around the immediate area, peering this way and that. “Have you seen the Mustang anywhere?”

“No. But I think we have more serious troubles. I don’t see anything but rocks, a wide river and grass with a light dusting of snow. This is definitely not I-90.” They were surrounded by trees, blocking the view.  “If we don’t find somebody that can explain… this, then we… Fuck, I don’t know.”

Meanwhile, a dozen yards away on the other side of the trees…

“It was over here. Todd, I know I heard something over—” A guy, slightly taller than Sonny with thick brown hair and wearing a collar came around what appeared to be a bend in a dirt road and stopped short. “Oh. Uh, hello.”

“Nicky, who are you…well darn.” Todd Ruger came up to the little gathering in the copse, and tossed off  some words at Luki. “If you want a mustang, Mr. Vasquez, there is a herd near here. They’re wild. Catch one and keep it if you want. He turned to his mate and spoke with a completely different expression and tone. “Nick, this is the guy I met at that convention you harangued me into attending.”

“It was supposed to make you more sociable,” the guy, Nick, said.

“I’m very sociable.”

“No, you’re not.” Nick’s voice was joined by Luki’s. Sonny was currently ignoring them, looking now up in the treetops, as if he thought his car might have gotten stuck up there. 

Todd snorted. “Whatever. How’d you guys get here and why are you looking for a mustang. We have horses you can borrow, not mustangs though.” He turned to Nick. “Was that sociable enough for you?”

Nick grinned and shrugged. “It’ll do.”

“Luki Vasquez, this is my mate, Nick Ruger.” Todd turned to Lou and Sonny, nodding. “Hello. Welcome to Yellowknife Protectorate.” He smirked in Luki’s direction. “Maybe you could introduce us?”

The only thing Luki could sputter out was, “This is your slave? Not what I expected at all.”

Todd smiled. “Welcome to my world.”

Sonny came over just then, mumbling to himself and shaking his head. “I don’t get it. Everything was fine. We were on the highway…” He noticed everyone looking at him, finally, and stepped forward brushing off his hands.  “Hey, I’m Sonny James, Luki’s husband."

Nick said, “Oh, yes. I’ve heard you do some beautiful artwork, in your tapestries. I’d love to see them sometime.”

“I wish I could show them to you right now. I hear you do some pretty fine drawing, yourself. I think it might be tough for us to ever share, since we’re usually in different worlds.  We’re in your world now, I take it?” When Nick nodded, looking thoughtful, Sonny asked a second question. “Any idea how that happened?”

Nick shook his head. “No,” he said, “I’m sorry. But maybe Todd can figure it out—he’s been out and about in the world longer than I, if you know what I mean.”

Before Sonny could answer, Todd spoke up, his comments relevant to Sonny’s questions, but speaking mostly to Luki—one badass to another, more or less. “No,” he said, bluntly. “Haven’t got a clue but it’s going to be dark and we left our horses over by the river. Let’s get them and head back to our farm and get some food. We’ll try to figure out a next step tonight, but we may not be able to do anything until morning.”

***

Well, Lou here again… that little conversation worried me. Had they forgotten me altogether? The four of them headed for the river, and I got up to follow, but when I put weight on my right ankle it became clear I had indeed been injured. I didn’t think Luki was aware of me at all, but as Sonny is fond of pointing out, he’s really much kinder than he tries to pretend. He came back and probed my ankle, turned it this way and that. The motions hurt, but I could see him cringe when I exclaimed, and I knew he was trying to be gentle.

“I don’t think it’s broken, Ms. Sylvre, but you’d better not put full weight on it. Can you walk if I support you?”

I (rather bravely I thought) said I’d do my best. He helped me up, and all three of the other men came over, looking concerned. Every one of them acted like they wanted to help, but it was Todd who ended up supporting me on the other side.

“It’s treacherous ground up ahead, Ms. Sylvre, but I think Luki and I can get you to the river. Then you can ride. Nick has plenty of medical supplies at home. We’ll get you fixed up.”  

I was thankful and if I hadn’t been hurting, I would have been in one of the higher levels of heaven. But I was hurting, and as the sun fell I was also getting cold. Imagine my surprise when Luki took his warm wool-lined leather jacket and put it over my shoulders. What a sweet guy. Thoughts about pain and the sweetness of badasses occupied my mind as we negotiated the road and then a rocky climb down to the river. But then I almost fell over as Todd nearly dropped me.

“Uh, Nicky?” he said. “How did our horses get on the other side of that river?”

“I didn’t do it,” Nick said. “Don’t worry, Ms. Sylvre, I’ve got some decent pain killers at home. It’s not far, or wouldn’t be if we didn’t have to cross the river.”

“Well, how bad can it be? It’s just a river,” Sonny said. He wandered dangerously close to the muddy bank. “It doesn’t look like it goes very fast.” Turning and walking backward as he spoke, Sonny continued. “Looks like we can just wade across here.”

“No!” Todd held out his free hand.

“It’s a lot deeper than it looks,” Nick added and sprinted at Sonny. 

Too late. Sonny must have hit a slippery spot along the bank, or maybe some slim covered rock, but it didn’t matter the effect was the same. His feet went up into the air and his ass plummeted earthward, or more exactly riverward. 

A hearty kersplash and Sonny was in the water. Then he was under the water and moving down stream. Fast.

“Shit,” Todd muttered and left me to run for the river.

“Crap.” Nick was right behind him. Todd must have hit the same slippery spot, he did some sort of uncoordinated quick step before his feet slid out from under him and he hit the muddy ground. “Nice save,” Nick said.

“Shuddup. We need rope,” Todd grumbled.

“We need to get my husband out of that water!” Luki let go of me and ran toward the river. Apparently he hadn’t learned from Todd and Sonny since he ended up mud covered and on his considerably finely attired ass. He tried to scramble up out of the mud, but it was almost like quicksand, and seemed to suck him down toward the water. I sat there helpless as he slid helplessly down the bank, and the two already in deep flailed and shivered. It reminded me of the events in Saving Sonny James where Sonny swam out too far in the straits. Luki rescued him then, but that just wasn’t happening this time.

I struggled to my feet but I was just no use. Fortunately Nick really had his stuff together. He ran back to a small brush covered hunting blind I hadn’t noticed before. He came out with a thick rope, knotting it as he high-tailed it back to the bank. He hit the muddy patch, but was better prepared than Luki had been and avoided getting stuck or losing his balance. I struggled to my feet again; by this time the moon had risen and its light limned a long, almost straight branch that had gotten stuck between some rocks. A serviceable crutch. I made my way down to the bank. 

Todd had run into some trouble, finding it hard to keep his footing in the muck. I called out, “Todd, take the end of the branch with one hand, I’ll anchor you from here.”

“Good idea,” he said, and followed suit. He threw the rope out, and Sonny latched on, then Todd. So far, so good, but when Luki took hold, the weight of all those muscles pulled Nick and me down the bank and Luki splashed right out into the current. They were all three trying to fight the current, but they were losing. 

I was no help at all after that—I had wrenched my wrist when I landed on a rock. Thank god for Nick. He’s stronger than he looks, and very smart, and he wasn’t about to let the river take his mate—or anyone else if he could help it. Back on his feet, he shouted, “Grab the rope again! Don’t let go!” He turned his back to the river, hunched down, and holding the rope with two hands, belayed it over his shoulder, and hauled with all his hidden strength.

And it worked. Sonny, the strongest swimmer, got close enough to the bank to swim up to the shallows. Once there, he dug in his heels and lent his own wiry strength to the task. Luki and Todd made it to within a few feet of him, dropped the rope and wrapped arms over each other’s shoulders, helping each other the rest of the way.

All of the men who’d been in the water were weak and shivering, but Nick ran to and from the cache and brought back dry tinder and a few chunks of wood and a striker. In no time he had a fire going. Luki, though I know he barely had half the strength he usually had, nevertheless came over and lifted me as if I was no heavier than a child, and settled me by the fire. I was blubbering, and I was going to give him his jacket back, but Nick said, “No, hold on to it, Miss Lou,” and in minutes had everyone covered in blankets, eating chocolate bars, and watching coffee boil. 

“Nicky,” Todd said, still shivering a little. “First, I really love you. Second, where did that cache of stuff come from?”

“Oh, Todd! Don’t you know. Miss Elizabeth puts them around for us in case of emergency—we can use them as long as we’re not actually in a book.”

“How did you know?” Todd looked totally perplexed.

“She told me.”

“Elizabeth Noble told you about these emergency hoards?”

“Uh-huh. I thought she told you, too,” Nick said sheepishly.

“Nope. She likes you best, like I said before.”

“Todd, don’t say things like that.  Just remember to write her a thank you note.”

“Good idea. I think I’ll send her a little tapestry.” Sonny looked relaxed now that Todd had passed him a cup of hot camp coffee.

“Okay, I’ll get in on this, too,” Luki said. “I’ll sing her a song.” And he did, he started right into the strains of a song I loved when I, Lou Sylvre, was a teenager. “You and I must make a pact… we will bring salvation back.”

How fitting. All of these guys were there for each other, petty disagreements shoved aside. Badasses are nicer than they look, and nice guys are stronger than they look, but in the end, every character needs his author.

​