Panel discussion at Fictional Badass Association annual convention 2014
Place: Emotion in Motion Convention Center, Noble and Sylvre room
Date: September 5, 2014
Time: After several cups of coffee
Panel members: Luki, Brian, Todd, Forge
Discussion topic: Badass methods for keeping one’s other half in line and out of trouble
Moderator: Frodo Baggins
Welcome by Frodo Baggins
“Hello. Hm-hm. Your attention, please. Can you all hear me out there?”
A murmur rises up out in the audience, as people begin to argue among themselves as to whether or not anyone is truly standing at the podium.
Sonny James comes forward from the back of the hall, steps up next to Frodo, puts his hands on his hips, and raises his eyebrows. The audience quiets, and gives him their full attention. Blair also comes forward (very, very quickly), hops down and fetches a chair, then lifts Frodo onto it. The hobbit can now be seen, and Sonny and Blair return to their places as he continues.
“I want to welcome all of you to this panel discussion. I was happy to be selected—(Frodo breaks off to make noises in his throat and foam at the mouth. Luki hands him his pristine white hanky. Frodo continues.) Please excuse me. I didn’t know that the eye of Sauron would be here tonight—took me by surprise. Wasting no more time, allow me to present the esteemed fictional badasses on the panel tonight. I’ll let them each introduce themselves, because frankly I know nothing at all about them.”
Todd: “Good afternoon and thank you for welcoming me back for a second convention. It’s quite an honor. Let me introduce myself. I’m Todd Ruger, a Sentry. I protect the innocent against supernatural—and sometimes natural—threats. My mate, Nick, and I specialize in shifters. Though, we have encountered other paranormal entities. Where we come from Nick was bred to be a slave and has been trained since childhood to assist me.”
Forge: “I’m a vampire. *points thumb at Todd* What he hunts.
Luki Vasquez and Brian Harrison, the remaining panel members actually begin to whisper to each other. After nodding in agreement, they both get up from their seats, and stand behind Forge—who’s fangs are beginning to show, and Todd—who’s nostrils have flared as he stares in Forge’s direction. Luki and Brian seem to have made their point, but it’s not clear if that’s because the shoulder holsters are showing. After a tense moment, Forge moves to the seat farthest from the middle. Luki and Brian sit in the two seats between them, and Forge continues.
“I’m also a homicide detective. Detective Jonas Forge. This is my first time in attendance, but I’m also very honored to be asked. Vampires have soul mates, mine is Blair Turner.”
Blair (pipes up from the back): “PhD!”
Forge (hurriedly): “Uh, yes, Dr. Blair Turner.”
Nick clears his throat (quite loudly).
Todd (quickly speaks up)” “In our world slaves aren’t permitted to be awarded degrees, but Nick has been educated as a veterinarian and medical doctor as well as a Sentry.”
When neither Blair or Nick drop any more hints, the other panel members all look at Luki.
Luki: “I’m Luki Vasquez. I became a member of the FBA after a wonderful man, Sonny James, found himself loving me in our first book. I am a former federal agent now in the business of security, a martial arts and firearms expert. Some true but less fortunate facts about me, I throw up when other people get hurt, and I tend to get shot a lot, though they are usually flesh wounds.
Sonny (shouts from the back): “Flesh wounds are still bad!”
Luki rolls his eyes and gestures to Brian.
Brian: “My turn, I guess, I’m pretty much just a regular guy.”
Jackie (shouts from the hecklers’ line-up): “Nothing regular about you, Sir!”
Brian turns an interesting shade that can’t quite be called red, but continues without stumbling over his words.
Brian: “Uh, I’m in pretty good shape, have some hand-to-hand combat skills and handle a firearm fairly well. I’ve been lucky enough to have done, at this point in my fictional life, a couple of stints with the Murder Investigation Unit of the London Metropolitan Police—”
Jackie (interrupts again): “Pay attention folks—that’s Scotland Yard! Best in the world!”
Brian (turns and speaks to Jackie): “Devil boy. You know that conversation we haven’t had about punishment? We’ll be having it tonight!”
Jackie (tosses his beautiful dark-fire hair): “Oooo! Thank you, Sir.”
Brian (shakes his head, and says into the mic): “That didn’t work for shit, did it? Anyway, I’ve also been very fortunate to do a couple of stints as an employee of Vasquez Security. No better place for an agent to get schooled in the business. And, as you might have guessed, Jackie is my sub, my lover, my boyfriend, my everything, and I truly hope he’ll be my future, too. I don’t know where I’d be without devil boy, these days.”
Frodo now begins to read out the questions:
How important is it to make sure your chosen one has enough to do, meaning appropriate activities that will keep them busy, especially in your absence, and why?
Forge: Well, Blair has a job. That keeps him plenty busy.
Blair from the back of the hall: And it’s not washing your car. I teach computer sciences at a university in Flint, Ohio. Since the big guy here can’t live without me, and gets into trouble all on his own I have to watch him every minute.
Todd: Nick runs our farm, when we’re home. He cares for the community’s livestock as well.
Nick shouts out: Todd needs me. We’re partners and we work together. Besides someone has to watch his back when his snark gets him in trouble.
Luki: “You’re kidding right, Frodo?”
Sonny, in a stage whisper: “Husband, I’m mentally cutting my toenails right now.”
Luki just bites his bottom lip, but Frodo appears confused. “What does he mean, Luki”
Luki: “Frodo, one of the first things I learned about Sonny is never to get in the way if his hands are on his hips. One of the next things I learned is that when he cuts his toenails it means he wants to... um... get frisky.”
Sonny: “No, baby, it means I want to fu—”
Frodo: What about you, Brian?
Brian: “How do I keep Jackie busy? Hell, the biggest hurdle in our relationship is that we’re both so busy sometimes we don’t see each other for a week.”
Jackie: “But whenever we are together, Brian shows me his rope tricks. (Jackie laughs, and Sonny giggles, which makes all the badasses in the house smile,)
How do you assure that your other half complies with your proscribed activities?
Nick: *Barks a laugh* Todd’s chin drops to his chest while the others turn around and look at Nick.
Blair: “Complies with—? He wishes.”
Todd: “I trust Nick completely.”
Nick: “Good answer.”
Forge: I am of course compelled by the vampire code to defend and…
Blair: Dude, there is no vampire code. *turns to audience* There is no vampire code. (Turns back to Forge.) You like to flash your pointy teeth and flex your muscles.
Forge: *shrugs* He loves it. Especially the teeth…and the muscles.
Blair (somewhat subdued): Yeah, I do.
Luki: I have no idea how to answer that. I'm not even sure what such a question means.
Sonny: Of course you do, honey. No really big words in there.
Luki: Damn, Sonny. I went to college!
When once again silence falls and Luki looks very stubborn, Frodo moves on to the next question:
Occasionally, even the best men get cranky. When your sweetie is having a bad day, what do you do?
Todd: “Blueberry pie. Nick’s a sucker for blueberry pie and a…ah…rub down.” *Glances back at Nick and winks*
Nick: *silly grin* “Yeah.”
Forge: “Well, Blair does enjoy shaving.”
Blair: “Forge is wicked good with a razor.”
Luki: “Honestly, Sonny doesn’t really get cranky. He goes from ‘everything is beautiful’ to ‘I’m going to kill you in your sleep, Luki Vasquez,’ in less than a second flat.
Sonny: “Shut up! I have never threatened your life.”
Brian: I have a tried and true formula, one question and a five word statement.
Frodo, looking curious: “This spell, or whatever it is, works every time?”
Brian: “Sure. Jackie, shall we demonstrate?”
Jackie laughs and nods.
Brian (stands and looks at Jackie): “Safewords?”
Jackie: “Red and yellow.”
Brian: “Use them anytime, starting now.”
Jackie: “Yes sir.”
Frodo: “Wow, impressive.” He clears his throat, and asks the next question.
Do you ever let your honey play with weapons? Why or why not? Give examples if available.
Forge: “We’re vampires, got all the weapons I need right here. *Points to fangs* And as for playing with them, hell yes!”
Blair: “Only real men use their fangs for love.”
Todd: “Nick has knives. I wouldn’t suggest trying to take them away from him. And as for letting him use them? I’ll just quit while I’m ahead.”
Nick: “He loves our private times and hates sleeping alone.”
Luki: “No. No, no, and no. I mean, I’ve taught him how to use a gun, but only once have I made the mistake of putting a gun in his hand. A little Beretta, but he was so wrapped up in wanting to kill a certain disgusting individual—”
Sonny: “You can’t pretend the world wouldn’t have been better off without him.”
Luki: “That’s true, baby. He’s dead now and the world is better off. But if you would have killed him then, I would have lost you. That’s what scared me. You are the most beautiful man that ever walked the planet.
Sonny (smiling): “And?”
Luki (actually smiling, too): “And I love you.”
Frodo signals to Brian.
Brian: “We live in the UK. I’m a cop and I don’t even get to play with my guns. Or leastways I can’t work with them.”
Jackie: “But my uncle, Luki, taught me to handle guns. I don’t need permission for that.”
Frodo says, “Uh, this next question, um...” He loosens his collar and blushes.
If you had to choose between following your lover or following Gollum and sending your lover away, what would you do? Please explain.
Todd: “I’d send him away. I couldn’t have him in such danger.”
Nick: “Translation, he needs someone to bail his ass out.”
Luki: “You do realize, Frodo, that Gollum is uglier than sin, and if I was to, say, climb up a big rocky slope behind him I’d have to look at his bony ass the whole way, right?”
Sonny: “Samwise is a whole lot cuter!”
Jackie: “Yeah, Sam is kinda hot. Buff too!”
Brian: “I simply can’t answer that question. Anyone that would follow Gollum and send his lover away is crazy... Present company excluded, of course, Frodo.”
Frodo foams at the mouth and makes grunty/moany sounds again, clutching his shoulder.
Samwise has been sitting quietly in the audience behind some tall Klingons with broad foreheads. Now he stands on his chair. “Hang on, Mr. Frodo. Don’t you give up. I’m not going to leave you! ‘Don’t you lose him, Samwise Gamgee,’ That’s what Gandalf said, and I don’t mean to.”
Frodo has stopped choking and foaming. He says, “Sam, calm down. The ring has long since melted in Mount Doom. I’ve just got touch of rheumatism. You’re over-reacting.”
If you ever followed Gollum into a dark tunnel leading to Mordor and he disappeared, would you keep going? How would you handle a monstrous, venomous spider, if you were to encounter one in that tunnel? (Please indicate weapon(s) of choice and strategy.)
Todd: “I’m not sure I’d follow. As for the spider, fire kills everything. Surround it with fire and…”
*Knife comes from behind and embeds in the table in front of Todd.*
Todd: “Nick is more accurate throwing a knife than most people are shooting a gun.”
Forge: Bares fangs and growls: “There is very little that is faster than a vampire.”
Blair and Nick burst out laughing. Nick elbows Blair and says, “I see what you mean.”
Luki: “Well, I can say this much. It wouldn’t be a little vial of light some blonde lady gave me.”
Assuming you survived Gollum and his tunnel, you would likely want to secure your darling’s forgiveness and understanding. How would you go about making up?
Blair butts in before anyone on the panel has a chance to answer: Shaving cream, a razor, after some serious groveling and probably an evening at that special place we like to go.
Forge: “I’ll get right on that.”
Blair: “Alright then.”
Todd: “Nicky would hurt me if I didn’t survive.”
Nick: “It’s true. I’d hurt him…a lot.”
Brian: “I’d start by saying I was sorry, then I’d ask him for his safewords.”
Jackie’s smile is bright enough to be a flood light.
Luki: “I’d buy him shortbread cookies.”
Sonny: “Not nearly enough, husband.”
Luki: “And Rocky Road ice cream?”
Sonny: “Still not enough, honey.”
Luki: “Okay. I’d let him top.”
Sonny: “Well... we can talk about it, I suppose...”
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